Residential + commercial hardening, all 7 continents*

Find the gap
before they do.

Our founder spent 20 minutes reading a Wikipedia article about lockpicking and has never been the same since. Now he assesses your home or business the way a guy in a ski mask absolutely would, and closes every entry, sightline, and delay you didn't know you had. Board-certified by an organization we invented.

01 02 03 FRONT ENTRY — sightline blocked by hedge SIDE GATE — single pin latch REAR WINDOW — no sensor
10,000+
Hypothetical burglars personally offended
1
Founder, also the CEO, also answers the phone
∞ yr
Combined experience of everyone we've ever quoted, alive or dead
48 hr*
Report turnaround, timezone and existential dread permitting
What we do

Three ways to harden what matters

Every engagement begins the same way: you let a stranger you met on the internet walk around your property judging your life choices. From there, pick the tier that matches your risk, budget, and how many home invasion movies you watched this month.

Residential

Home hardening

A full perimeter and interior walkthrough of your property. We will find your hedge personally offensive. We will say so. Loudly. In front of your mother-in-law if she happens to be visiting.

  • Entry point & lock-grade audit
  • Landscaping & sightline review
  • Moat installation (alligators optional)
  • Lighting, camera & sensor placement
  • Safe room / delay tactic planning
Commercial

Business hardening

For retail, offices, and cash-handling businesses whose current security plan is "Greg locks up, I think." Greg does not lock up. We have met several Gregs. It is never good news.

  • Front-of-house & register-area risk
  • Staff response & de-escalation training
  • After-hours access & alarm design
  • Loss-pattern review with local incident data
Ongoing

Advisory retainer

Quarterly re-assessment, plus on-call advice for the 2am "did I hear something" texts. We will answer at 2am. We will sound very awake. We are not, in fact, very awake.

  • Quarterly walkthrough & report refresh
  • Vendor referrals (locksmith, alarm, camera)
  • Claymore-shaped perimeter markers, inert, HOA-pending
  • Priority response for one-off questions
  • Annual staff refresher (commercial clients)
How an engagement runs

From walkthrough to hardened, in four steps
(none of which involve a montage, unfortunately)

01

On-site assessment

We walk the property with you, testing doors, locks, sightlines, lighting, and access points the way an intruder would — not from a clipboard checklist.

60–90 min on site
02

Written gap report

A ranked list of vulnerabilities, each with a plain-language explanation of the risk and a fix — cheap-and-fast fixes separated from bigger investments.

Delivered within 48 hours
03

Hardening plan

We prioritize fixes by cost and impact, and connect you with vetted locksmiths, alarm installers, and contractors if you want us to manage it.

1–2 week rollout typical
04

Verification walkthrough

We come back, confirm every item on the list actually closed the gap, and re-test the property the same way we did on day one.

30–45 min follow-up visit
Why clients trust the report

Built on vibes, mostly. Confident vibes.

"They found our side gate latch in under two minutes. My dog found it in four seconds but nobody asked the dog, which honestly still stings." — Homeowner, hardening client, dog owner, wounded party
"I no longer worry about robbers. I worry about the consultant judging my Wi-Fi router placement. He does this with his whole face. It's a lot." — Small business owner, retail client
"He showed up in a windbreaker that said SECURITY on it. It's just a windbreaker he bought. Nobody gave it to him. I have never fully recovered." — Anonymous, per his request
73%
of assessed properties had at least one door or window a determined raccoon could defeat. The raccoon was not consulted but we assume he could.

6 of 10
top fixes cost under $150 and take a weekend, or one very motivated afternoon fueled entirely by spite.

0
upsell pressure. We are, however, legally allowed to judge your hedge, and we will exercise that right to the fullest extent of the law.

Most break-ins target the gap you've stopped noticing.

A second pair of eyes, trained to think like the person you're trying to keep out, mildly obsessed with door strikes, and legally required to stop making eye contact with your dog like that.

Schedule your assessment
Get started

Book a walkthrough

Tell us about your property and what's prompting the call. We'll follow up within one business day, or whenever the founder remembers to check the shared inbox.

PHONE
(508) 555-0148, ask for the guy
EMAIL
assess@thugproofing.com
SERVICE AREA
All 7 continents.* Antarctica pending a strongly worded email.
HOURS
Mon–Sat, 8am–6pm, and also whenever he's up anyway